September 2, 2010

The 8 Lessons I've Learned from COPS

In the history of television, there is perhaps no better show to turn off your brain and watch than COPS. Every day after work, I come home, loosen my tie, pour my whiskey on ice and settle in for the nightly COPS marathon on the channel 191. Hooah! I'm on location with the men and women of law enforcement and al suspects are innocent until proven guilty in a court of law.

It's hard, however, to not learn something after watching all those hours of footage. In fact, I've become sort of an expert when it comes to law enforcement and the class of people who regularly interact with them. So below, for your reading pleasure, I've included the top 8 lessons I've learned.

#8: If you're being chased by the cops in a car, never ditch and run. You may be surprised to learn this, but you are much faster when driving an automobile than when on foot. Also, if you are a drug-user or general law-breaking scumbag, you probably don't exercise too much. The cops do. This means that they are both faster and stronger than you. They also have dogs and heat-vision equipped helicopters.

#7: If you steal a car, or need one to escape from the cops, steal a Porsche. Police cars can simply not go as fast as most sports cars. The corollary of lesson #1 is keep on the highways; it will help you avoid pit maneuvers from police cruisers and other obstacles that can render your car immobile. Do this in a fast car with a powerful engine and you're set. Just watch out for the spike strips!

#6: If you are unarmed, and the cops aim their guns at you, just keep running. The police are not going to shoot you unless you are an imminent danger to them or the civilians around you. You'd think that if you ran away they'd shoot you in the legs or something to slow you down, but they never do. The advent of tazer-guns changes this situation slightly as police are just itching to use those.

#5: Never wear sarcastic or dumb T-Shirts in public. You know the ones I'm talking about... the one you got in Myrtle Beach that says "Female Body Inspector". 8 times out of 10, the time you wear it you will be arrested... or maybe it's 8 out of the 10 white trash hill billies who wear those shirts are being arrested at any moment. The other two are witnesses giving statements.

Read the top 4 after the jump.

September 1, 2010

My next bookshelf

I'm a man of books, and a firm believer in owning them so that they may be tastefully displayed in your home or office. There is no wallpaper quite as handsome as the spines of books, nor is there any way to make a room quite as comfortable. Nothing, perhaps, except this:

The picture is apparently from a cafe in Toronto where they offer a wide selection of boardgames for patrons to enjoy. As soon as I saw this, I became a firm believer that every decent house in America should be equipped with such an arsenal of games. Some of chance, some of skill, some of wit, others of knowledge, upon opening each one must evoke a unique kind of nostalgic excitement for the participants. In part for the time in our lives when we could sit together and play like this and in part because of the fond memories we have for classics like Battleship, Candyland, Life, and others.

What about you? What is in your mahogany shelf of boardgames?

If They Hate Us, Why Haven’t They Killed Us Yet?

A very good question.