September 2, 2010

The 8 Lessons I've Learned from COPS

In the history of television, there is perhaps no better show to turn off your brain and watch than COPS. Every day after work, I come home, loosen my tie, pour my whiskey on ice and settle in for the nightly COPS marathon on the channel 191. Hooah! I'm on location with the men and women of law enforcement and al suspects are innocent until proven guilty in a court of law.

It's hard, however, to not learn something after watching all those hours of footage. In fact, I've become sort of an expert when it comes to law enforcement and the class of people who regularly interact with them. So below, for your reading pleasure, I've included the top 8 lessons I've learned.

#8: If you're being chased by the cops in a car, never ditch and run. You may be surprised to learn this, but you are much faster when driving an automobile than when on foot. Also, if you are a drug-user or general law-breaking scumbag, you probably don't exercise too much. The cops do. This means that they are both faster and stronger than you. They also have dogs and heat-vision equipped helicopters.

#7: If you steal a car, or need one to escape from the cops, steal a Porsche. Police cars can simply not go as fast as most sports cars. The corollary of lesson #1 is keep on the highways; it will help you avoid pit maneuvers from police cruisers and other obstacles that can render your car immobile. Do this in a fast car with a powerful engine and you're set. Just watch out for the spike strips!

#6: If you are unarmed, and the cops aim their guns at you, just keep running. The police are not going to shoot you unless you are an imminent danger to them or the civilians around you. You'd think that if you ran away they'd shoot you in the legs or something to slow you down, but they never do. The advent of tazer-guns changes this situation slightly as police are just itching to use those.

#5: Never wear sarcastic or dumb T-Shirts in public. You know the ones I'm talking about... the one you got in Myrtle Beach that says "Female Body Inspector". 8 times out of 10, the time you wear it you will be arrested... or maybe it's 8 out of the 10 white trash hill billies who wear those shirts are being arrested at any moment. The other two are witnesses giving statements.

Read the top 4 after the jump.
#4: If you are being pulled over with pot or a suspended license -- for the love of god, just pull over. You'll probably just get a ticket for each. Ditching drugs will only make it worse, unless you ditch it into the sewer, a toilet, or the ocean.

#3: Keep your mouth shut. You know when the cop reads you your Mirnda rights? and he says you have the right to remain silent? USE IT. If you don't, you'll say so much crap that will make it so much worse. If you insist on talking, don't just start the story mid stream. It makes you sound like an uneducated streetwalker (which in some episodes, you are) and it make it hard for the viewers at home to keep up with what exactly is going on.

#2: Don't do meth. You will do wacked-out stuff on that that will definitely force the cops to put you down.

#1: Never pull a gun on the cops, they will shoot you. Once one cop starts shooting, they will all start shooting (in part because they are not sure who's shooting who). Many bullets equals many wounds, and many wounds equals likely death.

I hope you find my tips helpful. Of course whole books could be written on the codes of conduct for bystanders, who are often more embarrassing than the the people getting arrested, but that's a topic for another day.

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