Covering Conservatives Pt. II

Two of the editors, including my favorite literary/philosophical critic, Emily Ghods-Esfahani (that's sarcasm for you conservatives out there), of the Review have released their own statement about the cover:

Dear Dartmouth,

The recent Dartmouth Review cover depicting a warrior with a scalp was a mistake. It distracted attention from the serious journalism The Dartmouth Review has been publishing, not least in the articles that came after the cover [like this or this or Emily's own "article," which is basically an example of Nancy Grace trying to channel Maureen Dowd. Very serious.]. The result was that people are discussing the cover, the scalp, and the offense felt by descendants of the original Americans. In the discussions on the staff prior to publishing this issue, there were reservations about the cover. We certainly agree with the statement of President James Wright that all students at Dartmouth whatever their background, should feel welcome here [except those people we wish weren't here].

At the same time we find there exists some paranoia, no little hysteria really [I can't believe I predicted this type of accusation!], on the part of the official Dartmouth on the matter of the now abandoned “Indian symbol.” As an example we cite the recent gratuitous insult offered by athletic director Josie Harper to the University of South Dakota because its hockey team uses the university’s Indian logo. She was properly rebuked by the president of that university [i.e. the president boldfacedly lied about the situation and conservatives bought it hook, line, and sinker. Sorry UND, everything's not just fine and dandy there]. There is such a thing as minding your own business [which includes the assholes at the Review—you could leave well enough alone yourselves]. There is also such a thing as achieving a bit of perspective [which the Review has never tried], even developing a sense of humor [which the Review has tried, but failed]. There are no “racists” or people who “hate” at The Dartmouth Review [just good old-fashioned intolerance and unwarranted elitism]. Such terms are the clichés of unearned, but desperately desired, moral superiority [it's not about being superior, actually, just about not being a bunch of hard-headed bigots].

The best course for those of a conservative disposition is to employ evidence, learning, logic, and wit to combat what Orwell called “the smelly little orthodoxies now contending for our minds” [like pluralism and diversity]. Because much about Dartmouth is liberal, this intellectual combat must necessarily seem conservative, though, occasionally, the orthodoxies will not be creatures of leftism, and the arguments we employ must be merely true [go ahead and make it so vague that we assume you're saying something non-partisan and generous]. If persuasiveness is desirable, then boorishness must be rejected [remember that, Emily. That would mean no more articles like your last]. Offense as such should not be sought out [ditto]. We believe that offense and truth reside on two independent axes: the Review must measure its success on the axis of truth, not of offense [still fond of those hamfisted metaphors, aren't we?].

In campus debates, there are bound to be topics that cause people to react viscerally, because they offend their particular suspensions of reason [those deluded liberals! They made us so frustrated, we had to do it!]. The solution, however, is not usually a swift punch in the gut [not usually, but there are some liberals out there who...]. Instead, the staff must produce a thought-provoking, funny, [because funny goes along so well with our "serious journalism"] and persuasive newspaper. We have before and will continue to do so. [We're going to keep doing what we're doing and pick covers that are less likely to cause our few supporters to feel squeamish.]


Sincerely,

Nicholas Desai, Managing Editor, and Emily Ghods-Esfahani, Associate Editor

Special thanks to Professor Jeffrey Hart for helping us to draft this letter. [i.e. telling us what we had to write.]