June 4, 2010

"10LastChances" offers last-ditch hook-ups, STDs

Hey, '10. I know you're pretty bummed about graduating soon. You know, my uncle once told me that there is a time and a place for everything and it's called college, and now that we'll all about to enter the 'real world', I'm glad we got all those crazy hi-jinks out of our system.

Oh wait. You're saying that you forgot to do all that crazy stuff we kept talking about and now that graduation is fast approaching us like aid-boat off the Gaza Strip, you're consumed with regret at all the thing (people) you haven't done? Well don't fret; some comp sci kids have given us the answer! 10LastChances.com!

You know that (well I'm not sure I would call her cute) girl you've been ogling since your freshman seminar together? And you, Missy. Remember that athletic guy from writing 5? The one with the killer biceps? Well you're not getting any younger, and let's face it, you're all getting pretty desperate. Why not turn Senior Week into one Kafkaesque madhouse of fornication and unleashed repressed desires? And that's where 10LastChances comes in.

Bearing some similarity to the defunct SA program Campus Cupid (which can still be seen on the toolbar here), 10LastChances invites 10s to list the names of ten 10s that they'd "really like to get to know better before graduation." If one of your long-time lusts, or desperate last-ditch potential hook-ups (however you look at it), also lists you among their ten 10s, then the system matches the two of you up. Sounds sketchy, right? That's because it totally is. But sketchiness is all relative.. this is Dartmouth... foreplay involves a pong battle, a 30 rack of keystone, and awkward small talk. 'What year are you again?'

Let's talk strategy. I'm not on the market (sorry), but if I was, how would I approach it?
  • Case 1: You put down realistic potential conquests and they reciprocate. Great! After the awkwardness (which will last only as long as the sum of both your innate awkwardnesses), you might actually score a date and get down to business. If the two of you were bold enough to do this, who knows what else might happen. ;)
  • Case 2: You put down the names of your perfect-10 '10 crushes and they don't reciprocate. No need to worry, you can still be rejected in person (by the way, boys and girls, if you're wondering when you should switch to hard-selling, the day was yesterday).
  • Case 3: You put down the name of a crush and when you go to contact them after the program matches you, they say that they only put your name down to confirm that you were in fact the creepy stalker they always suspected and that they don't want any further contact with you. This would be the most heartbreaking, though least likely scenario, as in order to discover the creepiness of your fellow 10s, you have to expose yourself to them.
The net is that in a matter of days you won't see the vast majority of your classmates ever again, unless you decide to come to reunions where I assume you can just nervously laugh about everything that happens in senior week and just move on. The danger is that the fruit you're now going after is some of the most withered and infected you'll find at Dartmouth. Think protection! You only live once, but your dignity is like a phoenix: no matter how many times you publicly kill it, it will eventually come back to life.

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous1:44 AM

    Why do 10 last chances when we can all find our ideal homo-fratty hook-ups on B@B?