January 2, 2010

Satan wears a goalie mask

Please enjoy this rendition of "God Hates America" by one of the Westboro Baptist Church protesters, who so kindly agreed to let me tape her singing.

If you watched that video, you might be asking yourself, "What in the hell is going on here?"

That is a damned good question.

The Westboro Baptist Church is flamboyantly extremist, hostile, and out of touch with reality. They aren't affiliated with any other Baptist conventions, and the membership is composed almost entirely of the extended family of Fred Phelps, the crackpot founder of this bizarre hate group.

And, boy, are they ever a hate group. Among their registered domain names are www.godhatesfags.com, www.godhatesamerica.com, and even www.godhatessweden.com. Yup, they have a vendetta against Sweden. A quick YouTube search will show you many examples of the vitriol with which they attack gays, dead soldiers, the loved ones of dead soldiers, Lady Gaga, gay-loving Swedes, and pretty much anybody else they can think of.

Their picket schedule, which is posted publicly online, leaves the outsider amazed that these people don't have anything better to do with their time. The group is based in Topeka, Kansas, but holds pickets all over the country, from Texas to Missouri to New Hampshire and beyond.

Most of their picketing has to do with denouncing the groups mentioned above -- they are famous for picketing military funerals -- but tonight they had a different agenda, one that dwarfs all their other protests by its grave importance.

They're picketing Dartmouth hockey.

Wait... What? Here's what their picket schedule has to say:

Dartmouth College Thompson Arena - Hockey freaks God H8s U!...WBC will picket your stupid, cold (really, ice hockey in the middle of winter?! COULD YOU BE MORE LAZY AND UNIMAGINATIVE?) violent, time-wasting crappy Hockey game - your SPORT.

Okay, so they don't like sports. Strange that this ranks up there with destroying the nation through sodomy, war, and rape of little boys, but whatever.

You know there will be only a few more of these entertainment events before God lets Obama simply destroy this nation.

I'm not sure why exactly this is, but they seem to have a lot of predictions that involve Obama bringing about the apocalypse.

After this, it devolves into a feverish rant that I am at a loss to describe:

God does not have anything good to say about your sport(s). Check this out, and be afraid - be very afraid: Judges 16:25 And it came to pass, when their hearts were merry, that they said, Call for Samson, that he may make us sport. And they called for Samson out of the prison house; and he made them sport: and they set him between the pillars. Judges 16:27 Now the house was full of men and women; and all the lords of the Philistines were there; and there were upon the roof about three thousand men and women, that beheld while Samson made sport. Then right after they made sport of harassing the blind Samson, God DESTROYED ALL those Philistines! YAY! Proverbs 10:23 It is as sport to a fool to do mischief: but a man of understanding hath wisdom. Proverbs 26:19 So is the man that deceiveth his neighbour, and saith, Am not I in sport? Isaiah 57:4 Against whom do ye sport yourselves? against whom make ye a wide mouth, and draw out the tongue? are ye not children of transgression, a seed of falsehood, God Hates DOOMED america, God Hates Arizona, God Hates Florida. You are all going to hell, and there is nothing to do but hear the words, hate the words, get mad at the words - - then get more words. Repeat, repeat until Jesus Christ comes in power and glory to redeem HIS people. Praise God! AMEN!

Just in case this sounds like your cup of tea, you can join them in Manchester tomorrow to express your outrage at the existence of Catholics -- "FAG PRIESTS, PRIESTS RAPE BOYS", "U pay to rape 'em U R guilty!", "Obama loves you baby-murdering-raping-freaks, but God Hates you. Praise God!" ... and so on.

Interestingly enough, when I met them on the street, they had nothing to say about hockey. I asked one woman why they had come to Hanover tonight, and she responded that she wanted to warn her fellow men of the "impending judgment".

Hear that, hockey fans? You must mend your ways, or you're sending us to hell quicker than a breakaway shot down the ice. Maybe you should take up croquet instead.

But they're not all bad -- these folks have their human side too. Witty barbs like "Fuck you!" zoomed out the windows of many passing cars. One motorist yelled "Go home!" to which my amiable correspondent replied "You go home! You're a towel!"

See? Even Westboro Baptists watch South Park. Wait... that seems a bit hypocritical, doesn't it? And do they really think that invoking Towelie, the talking stoner towel, will move the average sinner to repent?

If nothing else, the Westboro Baptists are very media-friendly folks. A couple of guys on the street stopped next to the protesters to get a picture with them, and our WBC buddies were happy to oblige. "They'll probably put it up on their Facebook page, or their Twitter, or their Tweeter, or whatever it is," remarked my good-natured evangelist. "Facebook is so last year," scoffed her comrade nearby.

Maybe they're not entirely out of touch with reality after all.

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