April 29, 2005

Bush Doctrine not working

U.S. Foreign Policy Hurting American Students' Chances of Getting Laid Abroad

"I've been in Amsterdam for two months and have yet to begin a conversation with a cute girl that hasn't ended in a lecture about how big, evil America is taking everyone's oil," said college sophomore Brad Higgs, a participant in Johns Hopkins University's study-abroad program. "I offer to buy them a drink, and they tell me I shouldn't just stand by and watch Bush destroy the world. Look, if I had that type of pull with the president, I obviously wouldn't be out trolling for anonymous Dutch pussy."

Ah who wants those Europeans with their premarital safe sex anyway?

Joe Malchow's virile buddies at The Editorial Board should take heed.

1 comment:

  1. A classy post with a message that rings loud and true.

    Seriously though, letting shitty American foreign policy affect your chances of hooking up abroad is a rookie problem. There are a few simple steps that can really mitigate the damage that Bush's policies do to your abroad sex life. I should know.

    1. Volunteer your own opinion about US policy before being questioned about it directly. This is known as the "Proactive Approach."
    2. Avoid wearing anything with a visible American brand or label on it. If possible, avoid labels all together. Nothing screams "I'm a generic American student just hoping to get laid" like a pair of reef sandals and a Ralph Lauren shirt. This is a superficial (but surprisingly effective) way not to turn people off at first sight.
    3. Talk up any (even tenuous) connections you have to other countries. I, for example, am 1/2 German and used to live in England. These facts are mentioned relatively infrequently in Dartmouth frat basements, but surprisingly often in bars in major European cities.
    4. If you're proud to be an American and all that crap, save yourself the time and go to Japan or Fiji or someplace where everyone thinks America is cool.
    5. If all else fails (and if you're able to), affect a British accent. For better or for worse, being English is surprisingly uncontroversial at the moment. Note: this tactic is slightly less effective in France.