December 11, 2005

Prom is cancelled: crazy telekinetic girl blamed

A rather bland report in the NYT on a curious phenomenon: banning prom.

Two Catholic high schools on Long Island have taken the oh so excessive step of cancelling all prom activities this year due to the atmosphere of sex, alcohol and materialism that prom affords.

Well, I have a few other suggestions for some things that should also be cancelled if we want to uproot sex, alcohol and materialism totally.

First, let's get rid of athletics. I think it's safe to say that athletes get most of the ass in high school, and if they don't, the rest of the school assumes it's so. Also, athletics and drinking go together in high school like Texas and gaybashing. So let's just dump all the basketball arenas, all the football stadiums, and, oh yeah, the cheerleaders.

Second of all, no high school bands (not of the marching variety, who won't have a purpose anyway when they no longer have sporting events to play "Go Big Red" at and don't know what sex is any way). What ass athletes don't get, whiny emo boys with guitars do. So let's ban all battles of the bands, all dark-rimmed glasses, and all vintage tshirts while we're at it. In fact, let's just ban music. And don't forget rap. Please, don't forget rap. It makes you want to have sex ALL THE TIME.

Thirdly, let's ban cars. Cars are the great facilitators in high school—not only are they a common hook-up spot (at least in Indiana), but they also take you to other hooking-up spots. And they provide a way for people to show off their materialism. And they are sometimes used to hide in while an older friend runs into the liquor store and gets a 24-pack of bad beer and some Boone's (well, that's what we get in Indiana—we're cheap like that; I assume in Long Island, they're buying Hennessy).

Fourthly, let's outlaw high schoolers eating at restaurants, because eating at a restaurant with a person of the opposite sex (or the same one, though not in Indiana) can possibly lead to sex at some point, in some fashion. Or it can lead at least one of the people on the date to think about sex, which is almost as bad. In fact, it's worse, because you'll probably be doing worse things in your mind than anything you ever actually get to do in high school.

While we're on the subject of restaurants, we may as well throw in cinemas, movies in general, and couches. No fucking couches will mean no fucking on couches. Brilliant.

Actually, why stop there? High school is the entire grounds for this entire materialistic, sex-crazed, alcohol-sodden culture! Why not just home-school everyone and only allow them out after 18, when they can go to college and get felt up by frat boys or eventually become a frat boy and feel someone up!

But why stop there? Is college really necessary? I mean come on. Kids under twenty-five can't make decisions properly and people over twenty-five always do. And people over twenty-five never have sexually-related problems or problems with alcohol or materialism or couches. People over twenty-five buy their coaches at IKEA. Are you going to grope your girlfriend on an IKEA couch? Likely not. I'd be ashamed.

So in the interest of keeping our teenagers as pure as adults, I suggest we ban adolescence entirely. Let's make the world one giant chastity belt and one huge monument to the sobriety and clear thinking of adulthood. Because, you know, adults always know best. They always do best. And prom is just one night, so give it up, bitches!


  1. Anonymous2:43 PM

    Honest question: was this a Joe Malchow guest post?

  2. I'm really confused. Are you saying that the writing's bad? Because it may be, but Joe would never use that kind of language, methinks.

    Or are you saying that the content is reminiscent of a Joe Malchow post? Because I think you may have missed the irony toward the end.

    Btw, I think the title of the post is possibly rather Malchovian.

  3. Anonymous5:21 PM

    In presenting the prom-banning "phenomenon" as a family-values, conservative culture war issue, the article does not really address what is, in my mind, the more important problem: over-the-top proms are not just about "materialism" they are also about social exclusion - it is a big school-sponsored opportunity for rich kids to get together and enjoy their wealth, while poor kids are left wondering why they cannot also enjoy this legendary high school tradition.

    Fortunately, prom was not a big deal at my high school, or I might have felt worse about driving over in my beat-up 12-year-old Camry wearing a borrowed black cocktail dress. If spending tons of money had been the focus, I probably would not have gone.

    Sex and alcohol should not be the biggest problem with prom, mainly because high school seniors are not children. Parents, if you have not raised your kids in a way that you can trust them to make good decisions on prom night, it is too late now.

    There are ways to address the inequality problem though - have the prom in the f-ing high school gym. Whose going to spend thousands of dollars to get sweaty on the basketball court?