December 2, 2005

More on Bad Sex (Writing)

The winner was announced today--food critic Giles Coren, author of Winkler, which is not, I think, a reference to the Fonz. Coren came out ahead of the likes of Salman Rushdie, Marlon Brando (posthumous nomination, of course), Gabriel Garcia Marquez (can't find the accents on these damn British keyboards, sorry), Paul Theroux, and John Updike.

I'm far too Catholic to post the entire thing here, but here's what probably clinched it:
as she grabbed at his dick, which was leaping around like a shower dropped in an empty bath, she scratched his back deeply with the nails of both hands and he shot three more times, in thick stripes on her chest. Like Zorro.
Like Zorro indeed.

3 comments:

  1. number one, my favorite was this one

    "We began to climb peaks and fall off them. We did old things in new ways. And new things in old ways. At times like these we were the work of surrealist masters. Any body part could be joined to any body part. And it would result in a masterpiece. Toe and tongue. Nipple and penis. Finger and the bud. Armpit and mouth. Nose and clitoris. Clavicle and gluteus maximus. Mons veneris and phallus indica."

    and because you're too much of a nance to post the whole winner here it is

    "And he came hard in her mouth and his dick jumped around and rattled on her teeth and he blacked out and she took his dick out of her mouth and lifted herself from his face and whipped the pillow away and he gasped and glugged at the air, and he came again so hard that his dick wrenched out of her hand and a shot of it hit him straight in the eye and stung like nothing he'd ever had in there, and he yelled with the pain, but the yell could have been anything, and as she grabbed at his dick, which was leaping around like a shower dropped in an empty bath, she scratched his back deeply with the nails of both hands and he shot three more times, in thick stripes on her chest. Like Zorro."

    i actually didn't think the updike was that bad, it's just twisted. the brando one was waaaay worse than the one that won.

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  2. why is "nose to clitoris" in bold? is it that strange? i feel like this happens all the time in the course of cunnilingus. isn't "armpit to mouth" a bit weirder than that?

    and i think winner is indeed the worst simply because it wasn't thought out. it is in fact impossible to even envision this scene. setting aside the fact that this guy cums three times in the space of a couple minutes, unless this woman has a couple more arms than the typical person how is she supposed to scratch his back with both hands as she grabs his dick?

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  3. hmm, you know you might be on to something. i was just thinking more along the lines of intentionality, like "here i go rubbing your clitoris with my nose!" you gotta admit that's pretty comical.

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