Ok, apparently I've been engaged in a war on Christmas and I didn't even know it. I'd like to apologize to everyone who has been offended whenever I smiled and wished someone a "Happy Holidays" or a "I hope you have a good winter break" or simply did not use the word "Christmas" compulsively during the period of Nov. 15-Dec. 26 any time during the past few years. Because apparently, such behavior is "Grinch-like" and "anti-Christian" and militantly secularist.
I'd just like to say I'm sorry and I'm glad I live in a Christian state where people that I don't even like can try to make me feel bad for using a word that has traditionally been associated with feelings of affability and open-heartedness.
In fact, I'm going to write Bill O'Reilly and tell him that he obviously has the Christmas spirit in him because he clearly has a whole fucking Christmas tree shoved up his falafel-loving ass.
Then I'd like to write Jerry Falwell a letter thanking him for turning Christmas into a crusade and thereby taking the attention off whatever spirit of kindness may have crept into people's hearts and replacing it with division and fractiousness.
"The fact is," Falwell said, "we've gone on the offense now. We've put them on the defense. We're kicking their butts and they're unhappy."
Christmas, ladies and gentlemen, a season of butt-kicking and making people unhappy.
Wait, can't you save that for Judgment Day, because I hear it's just around the corner. Ha! Made you look.