November 9, 2005

And More Reviewery

Seal was right that TDR put out a pretty good issue this month, but there's still a lot of shit in there for which we should make fun of them. Enumerated:

1) Not one but two letters from College alumni who no longer hold any reasonable biological claim to life (Jack Cunningham '53, Jay Evans '49). Jack's letter says "I was also impressed by the letter to the editor written by Sarah Chaudry '07. Is this an example of how 'special' the new generation of classes are, of the results of diversification, or of the 'civilizing effect' on Dartmouth students by the presence of women on campus?" Probably he didn't actually write that per se, but I imagine he did babble "GOTDAMN RETARD TOWELHEAD BROADS" repeatedly while gesturing toward the letters page of the last issue with his colostomy bag, and his manservants did the best they could to transcribe it into letter form.

2) [removed].

3) All sorts of masturbatory self-calls. This is where they get to show off that fly '20s wit that gets those flapper hos all crunk up in this bitch.

4) An "Indian Shirts for Women!" ad that features three pictures of the only reasonably attractive girl that will talk to them looking awkward and doing this weird thing with a bow tie that's like is this supposed to be sexy, I don't know? The best part is the ad is clearly supposed to be a pastiche of a bunch of people wearing the shirts, but it's just the one girl doing the same thing over and over, facial expressions varying slightly from "sneer" to "smile-sneer." You seriously have to see this shit, it's hilarious. It's not on their website, but I'll scan it if I can.

5) Some absurdly overeager '09 kid writing about his travel misadventures missing a plane to Delaware. He missed a plane! Can you believe it? The best part is that the kid talks about his "pea-green ignorance" and allows that lecherous nerd Kale Bongers to kick him off a bed when there's not enough space in their hotel. "By the way," he says, "Kale's an '07 so you know what's next..."
Kid, you look like you weigh more than 95 pounds. Fuck that. You can kick Kale Bongers's ass. This isn't 1959, and nobody really gives a shit about your graduating class anymore. You been talking too much to Jack Cunningham. Next time Kale Bongers gives you any shit, you kick him in the fucking face.

6) And finally, a cover by that guy who used to draw the unintelligible non-superhero superhero comic strip for the D. But no more Col. James A. Donovan '39! Remember that guy? He'd draw those cartoons of like 3 old people standing around with one young black guy, and everybody's mouth is open and you can't tell who's talking, and the caption is something like "That ride has been decisively pimped." It baffled me for years; see, I THINK it's racist, but I don't even get it!

To their credit they got ahold of Carol Szurkowski '09, who is apparently pretty talented and knows what's up. She hasn't gone through Buckley's Magic Writing camp yet, so she doesn't even sound like a dandy from the 19th century. Thug on, Carol Szurkowski '09. Thug on.


  1. Anonymous8:41 AM

    It's not hard to make fun of the Review, yet you manage to suck at it.

  2. dude, i know this would be stepping out of your your whole misanthropic-anonymous-mockery shtick, but come on; did you SEE those pictures of that girl? honestly! it's on the bottom of one of those pages, you'll see it.

    get back to me