November 21, 2005

The Cornell American is the Most Gulliest College Paper that There is

"Why has Martin Luther King Day become a popular national holiday while Lee-Jackson Day is relegated to the fringes of societal celebrations? Why are Americans so willing to honor a civil rights leader like King, but recoil at the idea of celebrating the lives of two other great men, Robert E. Lee and Thomas “Stonewall” Jackson?" - Tristen Cramer in the Cornell American, 11/4/05.

Gully.

"I currently write for The Dartmouth Review, an independent conservative newspaper that comments on the College and criticizes the administration when it fouls up. Now that I’ve made myself the lackey of the Review, I’ve gotten all kinds of cool kick backs, like money, internships, invites to private social events, etc. So back in September, my editor blitzed me and asked if I would like to go to Delaware for an editor’s conference in October. I certainly felt honored and immediately answered in the affirmative." - Mike Russell in the Dartmouth Review, 11/4/05.

Not gully.

The Cornell American is mothafucking gangsta. They are not afraid to say all kinds of racist shit. They are not afraid to title an article "The Color of Cornell's Crime - Unmasking the Face of Ithacompton."

"What exactly are 'common sense' precautions?" they say in that article. "What 'people' should we be aware are around us? The unspoken answer to these questions (as well as the proverbial 800-pound gorilla in the middle of the room) is this: watch out for gangs of black thugs."

My challenge to the Cornell American is this: up the ante a little. Let's forgo the subtlety. Instead of thinking up little witticisms like "Ithacompton," go ahead and title your article "YOUR GOING TO GIT ROBBED BY NIGGERS!!!!!!!!!!!" Go ahead and step up. Let's cut the shit.

Some more quotes to rock your shit:
"Many mistakenly believe that Islam is primarily a peaceful religion adversely soiled by extreme fundamentalism but warm-hearted and affectionate at its core. Au contraire, Islam is in itself fundamentalist and has replaced the Communist movement as a threat against the West...A more logical first step would be to halt the issuance of student visas granted to any person applying for admission to an American institution of study from a primarily Islamic country." - John Manetta, human rock of ignorance, 11/03/04.

"As can be seen on the Student Activities Office website the Gay-Straight Alliance (are any straight people in this?), Greeks United (support group for gays whose last names end in –ous), Haven (for exploring diverse “sexual and gender identities”), LBQ (support group for gay, bisexual, and transgender “girls”), Outreach (support group for gay, bisexual, and transgender “guys”), and ZAP! (educates students about gender identity) all receive S.A. byline funding." - Eric Shive, likely the possessor of a huge penis, 3/16/05.

They also have a contributor named Preston Postlethwaite. For reals. His article is called "Upstate's Moscow?" I'm not going to link that shit. Find it yourself.

Can we be real for a minute? Matriculation at Cornell is a gamble. You're betting that four years will pass before you want to off yourself as opposed to the reverse. Nobody stays at Cornell for five years. If you can make it three and a half years without killing yourself, you're not going to push your fucking luck. These guys are just coping with the (near)suicidal depression the only way they know how. I'm not going to hate. Keep at it, Cornell American; if writing that article about how the Darkies and the Divvil start with the same letter keeps your from jumping off that clocktower, publish that baby.

Propers to momo for pointing me to the page.

7 comments:

  1. Anonymous3:57 PM

    The first "quote" doesn't actually appear in the link.

    You had 2 or 3 intelligent posts in a row, and I had some hope... then you switched back to the retarded shit.

    If you're not a fan of racism, you should probably stop posting in near-standard English when you have something resembling a thought, and Ebonics whenever you just want to vomit out a rant and click the "publish" button.

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  2. Anonymous3:59 PM

    best post i have read on this blog. i fucking loved it

    ~bmar 06

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  3. but ebonics makes the blog so edgy!

    I'm thinking of making a Cornell American fan club blog.

    Posting links to this shit is dangerous around week 9. I've papers to write, as I'm sure everyone else does. I should have been more discerning with my knowledge sharing.

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  4. also, I meant to put ebonics in quotes. But I figured it went without saying.

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  5. Anonymous1:15 AM

    What does "gully" mean?

    ReplyDelete
  6. attention users of english!

    use of the word "gully" is hereafter designated only for ebonics.

    "gully" is not a sign extant in the english language. i, anonymous, have decided this, and thus it is so.

    anonymous is not gully

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  7. oh and anonymous is right i totally linked to the wrong post

    my bad, anonymous

    ReplyDelete